a speedtyped post

k. once again the time did that thing with passing and stuff again went ahead with the happening..
there goes:
my most awesome bag got stolen, full of all the necessary and pretty things i never leave home without.. BUT i'm super lukiii since that night i left my nookbook home. so its hard to get too down over a thing that could've been so infinitely more awful.                   but my tobacco was in that bag and now i'm a nonsmoker for a few weeks already. at this point i had been a smoker for exactly half my life and i never really planned to smoke my entire life so i guess that's as good as a time as any to rid myself of one of my many "habits" - and hangovers are so much more tolerable now! heh.
what else.. . kittens! maxims cat has them. again..
Also.. the electricity was cut from Tähe flat, once again. It'll be back in due time i guess but still pretty debilitating - seeing as that limits the ways i can use my tabletop work PC for work or anything.
Oh well i guess. another thing to brush off .. Vitaly and i will be moving away shortly anyway, to a hopefully more functional place, not a proper home by a long shot but something more peaceful at least.

On an emotional incoherent off-the-chest blab note .. all this year I think I've been more miserable than happy, my weeks are full of smaller and bigger little obstacles that my gloomy demeanor makes occasionally insufferable. or .. well. it isn't as bad as it sounds, i still haven't lost my ability to squeal out of pure delight at all things, when in sunny mood. and I have perfected the ability to render myself neutral against everything by using logic and distancing, if i so wish.. but my occasional suffering seems to have gotten more depth and weight and sometimes growing into destructive hysteria that i have no control over and i really scare myself. A new theory of mine says that I have stunted emotional growth since young teenage years by drinking all that moonshine and sniffing all that glue and from that comes all my confusion, selfishness and the need to run far away, have adventures, be "special" and "wild" (because I was "born this way") and despise the grim, dry reality of getting older and being responsible.
 And on top of all that my current state is pretty schizophrenic since what I really do appreciate is comfort, safety, peace and calm, tasteful textiles, discipline and the fine arts ... all that goes with refinement and being a part of and promoting the civilized society  -- But then I have this destructive urges and ye olde nihilismus while acutely aware of my limited intellect and "baseness".. or some crap.

 Actually scratch that.

I'm ok most of the time so yeah. I'm sure everyone has those .. things, sometimes. You do don't you?

One thing i do know for sure is that i absolutely love contrasts, in art, in life - after all it is the origin of life and art, or more like the origin of origins - the oldest story in the book.

That gives me an idea for a sunny, golden, soft and dusty tea party with my prettiest and dearest friends and some hallucinogens. And later a dirty dark bar run which ends again on a glorious golden note when the sun shines on our tired young faces at 6 o clock in the morning and we have no illusions and poses just us and the world.

Or better yet! It gives me a few ideas how to go on with my artses!

All rejoice! It's summer soon!