this and that

Heheey tonight finds me in good spirits.
I just got myself a fantabulous Nook e-book reader. Youknow, with that b&w all paper like screen. I traded it for a nokia facebook phone I got as a prize from the annual digital painting contest yesterday. I'd say it's a pretty good deal.

"Luckeeee..."

Already filled it with pirated book collections. It's so FUN! Thousands of pages of quality bookpleasure obtained within few minutes by the help of internets. Building very own digital library in nifty hipstergadget is where it's AT. Got my hands more than full now.. Yesterday night (when there was no internets D: ) I started with the complementary default example book on the device which is "Pride and Prejudice".This book is quite.. frilly. I mean really. But since I'm a very easily amused person who likes the frilly, I see no reason for not finishing it once I've started. Reads easy too.

So that's cool. I also did some more picking around my own bellybutton and have made some realizations since my last blog post. The part about friends and fish in the sea who have to make an extra effort to amuse me. That's not likely to work very well. Making friends is apparently an art I never gave a second thought to. To other people you usually are just the sum of your actions and all that stuff that everyone already knows about but what silly people like me sometimes tend to forget.
 I also realized that the suddenly severing lack of my social skills is due to becoming a different person so to say. Or at least wanting to be one. Since we all are products of our past, my past gave me the skillset i have today. It seems to need some updates.

Oh look, immortalized at 14.

I was actually quite social in my teens as opposed to my more eremitical childhood and twenties. From ages 14-19 I always had a close group of friends around me - and a large growing circle of fun acquaintances. I hitchhiked all around Estonia, come sun or blizzard, visiting events or folks. It was all one big adventure filled with booze, drugs, friendship, punk rock, music and a myriad of new places and characters. If i think back to these 5 years now I cannot comprehend how I managed to finish 9th grade and dekoor on top of all that. I made it to a goddamn university.Or well.. a higher art school but still - a degree. Never wanted to be a doctor anyway(actually.. I did have a second choice for a dream career once - biologist, but as years passed it came more obvious that art would be my choice. obviously.).
 The new chapter in my life started with me leaving
Kuressaare to live and study in Tartu. Over these 4,5 years I have grown quieter and show my face to other than very close people less and less. I was finally on my own (even though as a teen I was away from home as much as possible, sometimes for weeks), had to find an apartment and a job(lasted for 2 months) , count money to pay bills, buy art supplies, tobacco and lastly - food. Home was too far away and expensive to go to - suddenly everywhere was expensive to go to, I grew out of hitchhiking and started to travel like a proper citizen, and after a while I could afford it too - at one point commissions started to come in at a steady pace. This has been a period of me slowly trying to get to my own feet, be my own person. I have tried to learn myself a little better, readily avoiding too much contact and crowded places. I composed my own little life in my own little bubble and now I start to feel the need to get out more. Or expand my bubble, who knows.

 I have changed, the life has changed, it's time for me to keep up or keep feeling uncomfy from time to time over the state of me.

Heh. I guess I got a bit more chatty than I planned and also ventured too far from the point.

edit, at a later date:

The point should look something like this: socializing was but a breeze when I was a brat - primarily because about 90% of social situations were filled with booze and music and general mischief that united everyone involved. Today I find myself less and less at such events, I'm sober most of times and my natural shyness has once again prevailed. Since I have so much time to analyze myself in relations to the world and I can be my worst critic - my self esteem isn't that high either. Nor do I appreciate the preceived world that much. So yea that makes me a bitter recluse turd at times. 

Time to wrap things up here..

(Talking of wrapping - you, my imaginary blog reading friend and admirerer, let me tell you what to get me for christmas this year - drop me a mail with a good e-book or two. Best gift ever, yaa!)

Tomorrow starts my winter break - Saaremaa, Tallinn, Tartu. Parents, good food, bliss.

And now back to reading!