Monday

 It's Monday so I am home alone again, which means I can focus a bit on journaling. It's almost 2 pm, I have painted the first layer of the sky for my new painting, I have handed over some VK stuff to a customer, I've cleaned the home a bit and now I'm sitting down and having my second coffee. After that I'll do another layer and go for a quick walk to get more tobacco and rolling papers at the local alko shop. It's been snowing increasingly heavily so that should be fun.

There's this thing I've been having on my mind for a quite some time now, maybe even a lifetime. It has to do with my "fitting in" I guess or my history of the lack of it? I mean, I've mentioned here more than plenty of times that I feel the need to make more friends yet I'm rarely ever actually doing much about it. And the few lovely connections that I make here and there, I tend to lose after a time, because I'm just never around?

 I have plenty of acquaintances and to every facebook invite to a gathering I always press "interested", meaning it with boundless sincerity, but then I always find an excuse for not going because.. going to an event full of people I kind of know is just so much out of my comfort zone. I fear I would be just sitting in the corner awkwardly and leaving early (that has happened a handful of time when I actually muster up the courage). I need a support person to hold my hand through these events, like a best buddy, but I don't really have someone like that at hand most of the times. And to make a good friend like that I would need to be regularly available at friendly gatherings, but I'm not.. so yeah. 

I've been wondering why that is. Why am I so scared of putting myself out there on my own. I have come up with myriad of possible reasons, but they're not really helping. Idk.

I am a very introverted person, I think. At the same time I can talk someones ear off if I feel comfortable and confident and specially if there's alcohol or weed around. If I get into that state of mind, meeting people is a breeze, I ask all the right questions and I'm genuinely interested in them. I can be charming and clever and fun and it's amazing. But getting there is dependent on so many factors, it's hard to replicate. 

There was this Maaalune art fair thing and an afterparty. I was on the fence about going to the party, even tho I have been meaning to engage with the people of Maaalune since forever and this was a perfect chance, as I was already part of the fair and showing up for the first time to one of their events would maybe been less.. weird?? I know I'm overthinking this but this is the way my anxiety around it works.

 It's a community of local young underground artists, whom I like and admire. I really would like to be a part of that and I.. sort of am? By definition. But I ended up not going, because the fair was already so exhausting. The people, the noise, it drains me up and overstimulates me to a point of crashing. The party was also gonna have all that and also a pressure to have fun and be engaged with.. other people. I imagined myself there, kinda sitting at the edge of the room, tired and scared, with a drink in hand, scrolling on the phone to avoid looking too lonely or something. The thought of it seemed way less comfy than just cuddling up on the couch with some mulled wine and watching a movie with the husband. So I yet again let that opportunity go. Next time...?

I think I could really ace it with a full days rest beforehand, a preliminary cocktail and someone I already know well enough waiting for me there. Being at a party were everyone knows each other better than you know anyone there is.. absolutely scary. And I think that most people can relate? I'm not weird for thinking that. But it still feels like I should be able to be above it and just .. fucking GO someplace already, even if it's so fucking STRESSFUL,  instead of feeling increasingly isolated year after year and whining about it to myself.  

Ok I really need to do to my little walk now and get the tobacco. To be continued.