Hey.
Was thinking about journaling the other day.
Was reminded of this old thing.
Read the last entry.
Heh.
Not that much new.. Pretty much the same actually. Besides that.. I'm painting again! And that is about the only area in my life that actually feels mine and true. I'm aware of the banality of my art but I've been deeply cringe since kindergarten and at 36 I may just slowly start accepting that this will never change. I'll never be one of the cool kids, not even close.
It actually doesn't really matter for a large while now, you know.. when you're as isolated as I am these years there isn't really much to compare to.. But.There will always be those couple of obscure local ABSOLUTE GIANTS of coolness that I pine for, sweetly and painfully, who make me feel so feeble and naked when I wistfully try to compare but.. they also inspire, in very important ways.* Thanks guys. I hope to tell you how I feel about you one day because that's just how cringe I am.
I have been feeling a little bit lighter about myself and things, veeery very slowly. Things and feelings have unraveled a bit, I've learnt about myself a bit. I might be close to scraping the surface of the "learn thy shadow"-concept but it's definitely too early to brag.
So I'll brag about other things, that aren't as important to me:
I've been getting okay at sewing, self taught and all.
I'm learning how to drive (Zebra autokool!).
Also two mega milestones this year I guess - got my master's degree this spring and got married to Urmet in August.
"Achieving" these things brought some temporary relief to my days and all but.. what I'd really like would be a ..Friend?
Maybe maybe maybe
*Deep down I feel like I am absolutely at LEAST their equal but it just.. something just does not, will not match. Might have something to do with my self loathing that I inherited from the decade of schoolyard abuse and that made a massive comeback about 4-5 years ago when I screwed up e v e r y t h i n g.
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